These days, unless I’m feeling generous, I simply say, “I don’t drink,” and leave it at that. It’s been over six years since I first started seriously questioning my relationship with alcohol and considered a life without it. That’s six hard, beautiful, glorious years during which I not only stopped drinking, but also finally moved on marriage after sobriety from all recreational drugs as well as a history of bulimia. “I want a sincere apology for the devastating pain you have caused me. I want to believe somehow that it won’t happen again. I want to know the unknowable.” Those are the answers I wish my wife had given when I asked her what more she wanted from me when I quit drinking.
I could only see that which was right in front of me. My sacrifice—the challenge I faced to stay sober—that was an effort worth supporting and celebrating. I didn’t understand that my wife wasn’t much in the mood for a congratulatory party. Sobriety meant only a chance that new pain wouldn’t be added to the pile. Sobriety did nothing to address the hell into which my disease had transformed her life.
Indice
Recovery cracks you open.
This means that when someone enters recovery, it is not only a personal journey but also a journey that impacts their loved ones and their closest relationship. There is no one “correct” way to do relationships in sobriety. Some people stay with the https://ecosoberhouse.com/ person they were with before getting sober, and that relationship evolves to accommodate a new way of living. Others meet new partners after having gotten sober, often people who wouldn’t have been a part of their lives if they were still drinking.
Rebuilding lost trust can be a priority when repairing connections during recovery. Sobriety means you’re as equipped as you can be to manage any outcome that comes your way. I don’t know of a single relationship problem that was solved by drinking. Sometimes people discover who they really are in recovery and grow apart. Others find the burden is too heavy and decide to end their relationships.
Our Accreditations, Certifications & Partnerships
My wife, Sheri, and I, have recorded Untoxicated Podcast episodes about our relationship struggles, and they have both been downloaded over 400% more than our third top rated episode. Couples are hurting, and marriages are dying at the hands of this ferocious disease. Al-Anon is a great resource, but just like AA is not a good fit for everyone, couples need options in the ways they find help recovering their marriages from alcoholism. Al-Anon is a 12-step based peer support group for family members of people addicted to alcohol and drugs. You can find a local or virtual support group, and access additional resources, on their website. Although many people recover from SUD every day, recovery is often a long and complex process.
- The combination of these effects shattered his self-esteem.
- My wife, on the other hand, was incapable of forgiveness because my apologies were so meaningless.
- Arguing with your spouse, getting shit-faced, and venting to your friends, then waking up the next day pretending it didn’t happen is no longer an option.
- Substance Use Disorders – The relationship between anxiety and substance use.
- His first experience in treatment was as a cash-pay client in a high-end residential facility that “graduated” him as soon as his money ran out.
Make sure your expectations for their recovery are realistic. Try not to enable their substance use behaviors, but also try to release expectations of perfection. It’s suggested that you’re careful of these behaviors, as they can lead to a codependent dynamic.
The drinking partner believes in the sober partner’s strength, and imagines a shared future in which they remain sober.
Recovery can also sometimes uncover underlying mental health conditions that have contributed to substance use disorder. For example, up to half of people with substance use disorder have also experienced symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Working through the trauma of addiction will most likely require help from a professional.
Yet, it’s important to consider this choice for the well-being and personal growth of both yourself and your partner. I don’t have that much sex, and that’s more like me saying, I no longer lower my standards and sleep with just anyone because of beer goggles. There’s no easy pass for me anymore, no more getting drunk and slipping past the part where you get to know each other.
